Today’s panic induced temper tantrum

So yeah, I’m trying to write more but my life is a rat’s nest of anxieties. I often can’t figure out what to write. Today is another “I need to get it out of my head.” type of blog.

3 years ago, I took a “Dietary Antigen” blood test. The results lit up like a Christmas tree. So I did the usual food diary and experiment route. Yep I react to all of it. The worst reactions are insomnia, diarrhea, bloating and weight gain. So yeah, I avoid what I can as often as I can. Surely it can’t be that bad, I’m told. So let me tell you the food items that “get” me.

• Almonds (low)
• Apples
• Asparagus
• Aspergillus
• Banana
• Beef (Red meat including game)
• Broccoli
• Candida (aka yeast)
• Cantaloupe
• Carrot
• Casein (milk protein)
• Cauliflower
• Clam
• Coconut
• Codfish
• Cow’s Milk
• Eggs
• English Walnut
• Gluten
• Goat’s Milk
• Grapes
• Green pea
• Kidney Bean
• Lima Bean
• Lobster
• Mushrooms
• Navy Bean
• Peaches
• Pineapple
• Rye
• Soybean
• Spinach
• String Bean
• Sweet Potato (low)
• Turkey
• Vanilla
• White Potatoes
• Whole Wheat
• Yellow Squash

So yeah it is that bad. Not kill me bad, but make me feel horrible for days bad. Most gluten-free and dairy-free items have soy protein or pea protein or chickpea protein that I can eat and I won’t even discuss how expensive it is. So reading labels is my new past time.

The lack of cheese in my life is killing my morale. It is almost funny…except that it so isn’t.

So what is my malfunction today? Well we have a Memorial Day event to attend. That means food. That means most of it I can’t eat. Sure I can take my own food. But it is embarrassing and becomes a major topic of conversation. I want to stand out because of something great about me, not my finicky gut. Sure, why should I care what others think? Do you realize how many social events revolve around food? How much social bonding revolves around food? Like all of them. I can’t even do the proverbial bread and salt. People with no food issues have no clue how upsetting a simple “you are so missing out” or “are you sure you can’t try small bite” or “well what CAN you eat” or “you don’t mind do you”.

I used to love to cook. Now I wish I didn’t have to eat at all. I’m a social animal but any social gathering sends me into a temper to cover up the rising sense of panic. I seem to have a deeply imbedded fear of starving. I’ve gotten to the point that I’d rather stay home than risk accidentally eating something I can’t or worse make a host/ess feel bad because I can’t partake of their hospitality. I’d rather not go to a gathering than watch everyone eat the food that I no longer can. My teenager has had to learn that if he’s going to make mac & cheese, he better do it while I’m at work. My husband, is the epitome of patience and determination, will not cook a meal that I can’t eat or unless he is sure there is a meal in the house I can eat. He’s the one that makes sure I eat. He’s the one that does most of the cooking. He’s the one that does the grocery shopping as aisle after aisle of food that I can’t eat sends me into a panic.

So yeah I want to go to see and socialize and I don’t because I don’t want to once again confront gut’s limitations, my cravings, my resentment that this is my life now. I’m angry. I’m upset. I’m weary. So yeah. Woe is me. I can’t see over it or figure out a way around it. I’d rather hide.