I’m not a happy person
I recently had some people who I trusted, who I used as a sounding board, tell me I needed counseling. While I’m sure their heart was in the right place, it felt like a kick in the teeth. There is nothing wrong with counseling, nothing at all. But they said I needed to go because I’m never happy. I felt betrayed. Life has been extremely stressful in the last month or so and this just added to it.
I’ve spent a lot of time mulling their comments over because that is who I am, a thinker. I’m constantly mulling over a number of items at a time. My brain hamster has a wheel of doom that is rarely still and I’ve had to find many ways to distract it so that I can sleep at night. During all my mulling, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m just not a happy or even optimistic person. So who am I?
I’m a thinker. I ponderer. A mull-it-over-er.
I’m a curious person. I want to hear the details. I want to know the whys and the hows.
I’m a crafty person. I’m always looking for a better way, nicer way, cheaper or easier way to do something yet still get great results. Sometimes this is frustrating, sometimes it is relaxing, sometimes it is fullfilling.
I’m a critical person. I’m picky. I do take it to extremes sometimes. I tend to be more critical of myself than others. Rightly or not, I do have a certain set of expectations of others and when they fall below that I have a hard time forgiving and letting them back in.
I’m a storyteller. I like to hear the stories of others and share my own, as a way to either compare and contrast, sympathize or an attempt to cheer the other person up.
I’m an emotional person. I talk to others about my problems, sometimes repeatedly, to get them out of my head, to hear other points of view. To see if it sounds as crazy out loud as it does in my head. I take criticism from others way too seriously and sometimes I forget that is just one point of view.
I’m a touchy feely type of person. I love hugs and cuddles and snuggling. I married a man, who while wonderful, is not a cuddler or a snuggler. So I tend to seek to fill this need in my friendships so luckily most of my friends seem to be the same way or at least are tolerant. However I will not chase someone who doesn’t make an effort to be apart of my life or even include me in theirs.
I overshare and I do this to show others that they are not alone. That everyone has problems which probably sound ridiculous to others. If I have shared with you it is because I trust you and really do want your opinion. Now whether I follow it or not, is entirely another matter.
I’m stubborn and I’m loud. Which means seeing other points of view isn’t always easy. When I get stuck in a rut, I tend to keep plowing it until I finally have a breakthrough in understanding or until I give up and crawl my way out…generally with the help of friends.
I treat my friends like family and my family like friends. I was accused of this and there is a great deal of validity to it. I love my family and I tolerate crap from them that I would from no one else but our differences leave me feeling on the outside more than they know. Not that it is their faults, because it isn’t. I just walk a different path. So I have found those who I feel comfortable with, who have a similar point of view, who I trust in a way I don’t and can’t trust my family. While they find that hurtful, it isn’t my intention. It is just the way my life has evolved.
45, has been a year of growth for me. Lessons to learn, things or people to let go. It has been hard and very messy. I’ve finally figured out that I need to start doing the things I’ve put off out of fear of what others would say or do. I got the hairstyle I’ve always wanted and I put color in it as I can. I got my nose pierced. I have a couple of tattoos planned out. I’m learning, ever so slowly, to come to terms with me. So no, I’m not a happy person. I’m a complex person and I’m ok with that.