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April 1, 2014

I believe the ability to make friends, keep friends and even deepen a friendship is a learned trait.  My parents didn’t have friends when I was a child.  My mom had her sisters but that was the extent of it.  So it is something I’ve never learned.  I haven’t the slightest clue what to do, what is too much or not enough once I meet someone  that I want to befriend, especially a female someone ’cause they are infinitely more difficult than males IMO.  I can be “one of the guys” quite easily, but one of the girls, not so much.

I’m not especially close to my sister…we live in two different worlds in more ways than one.  I’m sure she cares for me, but if I wasn’t related to her, I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t have anything to do with me.  I miss female companionship.  I once thought I had that type of friendship going, but got kicked in the face.  I’ve made the effort repeatedly over the years with other women but it never seems to work out.  Different places in life, too old, too young, too weird, not weird enough.  I’m getting gunshy.  I watch movies, tv and facebook envying the “best friends” vibe that I often see.

I think about giving up, about not putting myself through that effort any more, that expectation, that failed hope…but I have a child.  He has to learn from somewhere…to keep trying if nothing else.  He needs to see that the partner in his life has to have outside relationships to be “healthy”.  That life cannot just revolve around home, husband and child.

Sorry.  I’m tired.  I’m pissy.  I’m blue.  I want to do nothing but hide from everyone and everything.  Instead I’m going to go finish getting ready for work, clean the snow off my truck, take the child to his playdate and try to find a pleasant face for dealing with the public.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. April 1, 2014 5:32 PM

    friendships are hard. movies and books make it seem effortless, but it’s not. i’m very grateful that i have friends who make the effort and don’t give up on me, because i could easily slide into utter solitude and not even notice for a decade or so. and i’m very blessed in my BFF, who swims in and out like the mermaid she really is, and doesn’t get pissy or distant if we go for long gaps with no contact.
    i’m glad you are aware of the necessity for practice, and are working to model for your son what your parents didn’t model for you. i’m betting this will have fall-out benefits for you too.


  2. April 4, 2014 9:31 PM

    Oh my darling, you have taken words right out of my mouth. I much prefer the company of “the guys” than a “girls’ day” because we females are a difficult breed (ask any guy!) Distance makes it difficult for us, I know, but I must tell you that I consider you one of my very closest friends. I also struggle with the whole process, especially the “beginning” of the friendship – how much to share, how much to depend upon, what can I vent about – if anything, etc. Seeing you is one of the biggest reasons I look forward to spring and summer – making more plans for getting together, learning more and getting closer. Don’t give up yet, friend, we will make it! ❤


    • April 4, 2014 9:46 PM

      The day I wrote this was an extremely rough day…and the rest of the week didn’t get much better. Hubby was pretty disgusted by me by the end of it. Hormone swings during this “period” of my life are as bad if not worse than PMS.

      Thanks. I needed to hear this as I’ve been feeling really disconnected from everyone lately but my child…even Hubby, who doesn’t get it and has been rolling his eyes at me a lot lately. (It is like he’s forgotten everything I’ve told him over the years about my needs, wishes and wants…sigh) Be patient with me! I’m wading through a lot of luggage that I’ve been hauling around for way too long. Together we’ll muck it out! The snow will melt…right?!


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