Daily Practices: 2/9 – 2/15
2/9: today started off with BLTs for brunch. Then I bit the bullet and looked at bills and how much was in the account. Too much of the former and no where close to enough of the latter. Top it off, boychild’s birthday part is in less than two weeks and I have no gift for him, no nifties for the party…not even prizes for winning games. No Valentine’s Day treat either. I feel terrible all the way around. An aquaintance saw me at the grocery store and asked how I was. I practically burst into tears [extreme mortification]. I sat in my truck for a while after I got home trying to get myself together. I sat so long, Hubby came out to get me. One of the things he said was “I don’t know why you let it bother you so much.” “It” being our financial situation. I wanted to hit him or yell or scream. Instead I walked away. One of my joys is throwing fun parties for our child. This one isn’t going to be even close to adequate. I can’t even think of something to make him…that doesn’t involve my non-functioning sewing machine. Major funk. MAJOR. Made apple pie bites, uses leftover pie crust (this crust is miracle and has been sitting in my fridge since Jan. 19th I think and it still tasted good!) and a mushy apple. Very yummy. No morning greeting but evening farewell and usual prayers before bed (greetings/farewells and bedtime prayers are done daily unless I mention otherwise).
2/10: trying to shake off the blues today… Exercised. Called the insurance and then the medical billing company who still haven’t sent the correct forms to the insurance. It has been almost 2 years since the original incident. Meditated. Tarot reading. Made a thai noodle soup for lunch. I texted Hubby about it in case he wanted to come home and warm up. Laundry started. Had talks with 3 different teachers. Main teacher says boychild still isn’t always doing as told. Head teacher hands me the ring that my son gave a girl at school thinking I wanted it back. No, it is fine that is all worked out as I told the girl last Thursday. Gave it to her teacher who told me that my son gave the 5th grader (he’s in 1st) a card with a note in it that says in very bad spelling “When are you going to kiss me?” Evidently someone told him that she was dared to kiss him…sigh…so we had to talk to him about appropriate and inappropriate behavior at school. Work. Found out to day that I was chosen as a distributor of books for World Book Night. I’ll be giving out “Miss Darcy falls in love” by Sharon Lathan.
2/11: paper medals for displays at work, incense offering to Hermes, Hephaistos and Athene; laundry (which I’ve gotten very bad about finishing in a timely fashion); tried to find something small for my guys for Vday…flail. Work. I swear today was one of the longest 4 hours of my life. No idea why time dragged so. Beat Hubby and child home as Hubby went back to work after picking him up. Watched the DVR.
2/12: slept poorly, finally getting some z’s when the boychild wakes me up to say he had a dream that he was going to the bathroom and so peed his bed [head/desk] took me a while to go back to sleep so only got probably another hour if that. Ended up sending him to school with wet snow boots because he didn’t tell anyone they were wet so they didn’t make it on the dryer. And goodness do they stink! How in the hell do you clean the interior of snow boots? I have no idea but did throw some baking soda in them to absorb the odor. Now that I think about it, probably a bad idea since they were damp…ah well. Printed out and colored a mandala to put on a notebook for my son’s V-day gift. The notebook is for us to write each other notes back and forth. Trying to finish a rather dry, uninteresting book on myths of the male devine so I can 1) clear space on my desk and 2) read something more interesting. I’ve promised myself for every dry boring book I read, I get to read something fictional/interesting. Maybe this way I’ll make more progress on my to do list. Finally found a cup to decorate for my son, but I’ll be giving that to him for his birthday. Work. Tired. Tired of snow, of feeling friendless and tired of being so far away from those that I want to help. DVR and bed.
2/13: spent the morning finishing up a quote poem and then wrestling with WordPress to get the format I wanted. They won and I had to resort to hyphens to mark the bloody indents. Made a kirigami style card for Hubby’s V-day gift. Was hoping to get a batch of cookies made before I pick up the boychild but I don’t have enough butter…found some shortening so I made them any way. Felt a little guilty about it as I distrust shortening but really didn’t want to go to the store. The cookies came out crispy instead of soft, damn it. Went to craft night…mostly cause I wanted to get away from the whiney child and grumpy husband. Glad I went as the ladies helped me lighten my mood considerably. DVR and bed.
2/14: This has been a really rough winter. I hate winter to begin with. I hate the cold. I hate the snow. Our financial difficulties have made it quadrupally difficult. February is always the most difficult month of the year for me. Having an unromantic, stressed out, grumpy, (and occasionally inconsiderate) partner makes the month and this day especially difficult. Not to mention missing my OSO (who is mine only in my heart). No gifts, no card, not even a note from Hubby today. I did give his card that I made which he thought was cute. I knew he wouldn’t have anything but I hoped I’d be surprised anyway. Now he knows I’m upset and he may try to pick up some trinket but it would be pointless now ’cause it isn’t coming from the heart but because of back pedaling to fix it which may make it even worse. I’ve been leaving him little notes around the house since the beginning of the month and he didn’t even acknowledge them. Oh fuck. I just need to go cry, get this out of my system and try to be outwardly pleasant for the rest of the day as I’m helping at the boychild’s school party today. Fact is I feel…unappreciated (more like a convenience) in all facets of my life, stressed out and depressed. Today is only the icing on my really deep blue cake that I could have done without. I will say that I may be having some effect on my child, because he gave me a card he made. Nothing fancy, but he made the effort which is more than I can say about his father. This link nails it for me today…I feel a bit shallow for saying so but for me it doesn’t have to be flowers…just something that says he thought of me and made an effort…even if it is a note on a freaking post-it. I know he loves me but occasionally I’d like the useless things that remind me on those bad days that he does love me and likes having me around. So…today is the beginning of learning to value myself, to stopping looking outside myself for validation, to do what makes myself happy…I do not know how to do this but if there is a lesson I want to teach my son, it is to value and love himself…not above others but with others. That has to start with my example. I’m not going to delete the above sloppy rant as I so often do because this is who I am and part of the reason for this blog is help me be me, no hiding, no matter what anyone else thinks…which is very hard for me to do sometimes despite the bravado I hand out. Helped at my son’s valentine’s party. Watched an episode of shield with him. After boychild got sent to bed, bundled up, lit some incense and went out to “talk to the moon”. Talking, praying and walking about until the incense was done. I feel a little lighter. Did several Lenormad readings over the course of the day…one lectured me on my husband, how to turn my day aroudn and the advice on honoring Isis at the full moon. Did talke with hubby a bit last night before bed. Only time will tell if it was a good talk or not.
2/15: new day, better day. Slept in. 3 five minute workouts. Laundry put away. Grocery store…which lately is always painful and just to make it more irritating, I took my son with me. I did find the right color plates and some lego candles, so two more things off my to-do list. Trying to research my next blog post and I’m drawing a blank on how to do this one…I ended up pointing out the essence of who I thought this god is and then listing his epithets.