Daily Practices: 1/12 – 1/18
Keeping up with the greeting at both shrines and offering water to the ancestors. Warning rants ahead…that I probably should have edited out but if I did, I might as well delete the whole damn post.
1/12: breakfast, prepped dinner (new recipe), argued with the child, small lunch, watched the Bronco game, dinner, balanced check book, stressing over bills. Microwave died (well, almost dead…works for 5 seconds before it shuts down)…really bad timing as we have no money to replace it.
1/13: paid the bills I could which wasn’t much. I found a book on the shelf on Isis that I don’t remember buying…yet I’ve had it since 2005… Cleaned up my desk a bit. I can now see some of the wood. Exercised. Making my way through Sea Priestess. Odd book. Not impressed so far. Made a tasty lunch for Hubby (who spent a good 4 hours shoveling snow…he says if we get too much more, he won’t have any where to put it) before he left to work this afternoon, though without a microwave to defrost the meat, it took a lot longer than I had planned. Laundry. Lacking motivation today. I slept last night but seemed to wake up about every 2 hours so I’m tired too. Picked up boychild, work, grocery store and vegg…so very tired. Argued with Hubby over going to Denver this weekend. We can’t make our bills this month; he’s talking about using our credit card to pay our electric bill…a credit card which is already too high for comfort (one that I had managed to get down to a more reasonable level until this latest batch of issues)…and he wants to go to Denver because his parents have rodeo tickets. I enjoy going to the rodeo but a trip to town typically costs us about $100 minimum in gas. Then there is minor things like the occasional need to buy a meal or what not. So let’s say a minimum of $200 for the trip down. That is money that should be going to pay bills, groceries or gas for his work van. I think a trip to Denver would be beyond foolish…not to mention some time in the relative near future we will have a funeral or memorial to attend…in Wyoming most likely. Stupid, stupid, stupid idea.
1/14: slept hard but still woke up about every two hours [sigh]. Took Hubby an hour to go from home to I-70…he almost turned around and came home. Boy-child has snow board lessons through his school this afternoon. Price for the lessons is extremely reasonable ($5/lesson) so couldn’t pass it up but still have to come up with the money to pay for that. Can you say stressed out? And more snow too. Work. I remembered to get some meat out before I left so no scramble to get things defrosted. Very tired tonight. Hubby says his grandmother has asked for a priest so she’s getting herself ready to pass over. Laundry. And another fight about this weekend.
1/15: another crappy night of sleep; almost 11 and Hubby still won’t get up and go work…I know the dying of his grandmother is hitting him hard for reasons beyond my understanding (I can count on one hand the number of times we’ve seen her since we got married…they don’t live THAT far away…) but…shit we are in some financial trouble and my tiny paycheck isn’t going to cover things. I feel like a shit for nagging at him about work, about doing the practical thing but there is no one else to do it. There is only me whose heart bleeds over ever poke and prod. He helped get us into this situation, he’s gonna have to help get us out. I look at our bill box and then our checking account and panic. Laundry. Fixed up an old decoration that my son’s over enthusiastic playing or lack of care messed up. Cleaning some of my craft piles that have gotten out of control. Decisions, decisions…do I pay the electric bill late or with the credit card? Stitch. Work. Wrote a prayer for Isis, said the prayer and lit a candle.
1/16: so bloody tired, it is hard to think straight. Napped but it didn’t help much. I get up to a message that Grandma died in her sleep during the night. I’m relieved for her. Not sure spiritually how to handle this as traditionally Hellenists would cover their altars and such, so I pulled out ye ol’ tarot deck which said not to but to light a candle, remember her with love and move on. A printout of her picture has been added to the ancestor altar along with the candle. More nagging to get him up and moving today…seems at ease with his grandmother’s passing though. Hubby brought in our camper’s microwave…I had assumed it was a “special” one but I was wrong. Tired and very unmotivated today. I’m just plain wore out so I’ve pinned pretty pictures to my heart’s content. Boy-child really had no reaction when I told him about grandma…or more accurately when I answered his question truthfully. Not sure if it didn’t click or what. Craft night. Going to bed early as I’m just holding space here…too tired to write or do anything else really. Had another chat with Hubby about his attitude of late. He’s acting a lot more like himself today. Said that the death of his grandmother has lifted a huge weight off of him. Neither of us understands why this affected him so much. Hopefully things will start to turn around for him now. Won’t be going down to Denver this weekend but will be going to Wyoming for the funeral next weekend.
1/17: slept a bit better last night but still lacking motivation. Need to get away from the computer…Moved for over 30 minutes to music without stopping (well much). That’s gonna have to do for exercise. Tried to reduce my sewing pile but…damn machine’s timing is off so it will have to be put away until I can afford to take it in. !@#$%^&* Picked up the boy-child…4 day weekend for him. We watched “Agents to Shield” together. Tough time figuring out dinner…pantry is looking pretty empty which is a scary thought…and what we have doesn’t sound good. Hubby in a much better mood. So glad to have him back. Now to get our fiances flowing again…
1/18: woke up in the middle of the night from a dream that ended up leaving me upset…a long story short, I gave birth to another child. It wasn’t an unexpected birth (as in no one realized I was pregnant until I went into labor at the doctor’s office which is where the dream started) and the child was born very small but healthy. So the whole dream was about dealing with this unexpected event, gathering up clothes, starting to breast feed again (the feeling of your milk dropping is like no other…), etc. It was a very vivid, very real dream. So to wake up from it and find that it was all a dream was very disorientating. It isn’t that I want another child (and at this stage in my life not very probable either). It was the whole process of accepting this child into our life and then waking to find that there was no child. I was sad, I was relieved and I was guilt for feeling relieved…and then had to try to go back to sleep. Sweet potato pancakes for breakfast. Laundry put away and most of the recycling was taken in. Went grocery shopping which stressed me out completely. Hubby made some yummy spaghetti…I tried to make ketchup and ended up with a mild BBQ sauce. (Note to self…lay off the balsamic vinegar!) Trying to find nifty ideas for my son’s Lego birthday party. I dislike this theme intensely so nothing I find seems nifty enough… Tired, grumpy…I think I’m gonna read for a while then go to bed.