Looking back, looking forward
Without resorting to looking at digital markers, here is how I remember the last year:
- people that I thought of as friends, were more like acquaintances…which hurts a bit as all I’ve ever wanted is one or two people to be my friend through thick and thin, despite the challenges of life and family. I have met someone recently who I hope to be a friend like that but I admit I am a bit afraid to try…nothing worse than feeling like a nuisance.
- I have few memories of the first half of the year beyond volunteering in my son’s classroom
- The trip I took with my parents to see the redwoods, while filled with bad and good in equal measure, gave me the opportunity to see something that I would never have gotten to see and my life would have been much sadder for it. I loved being in the redwood forest…so if I ever run away, look for me there.
- The issues with my in-laws came to a head and I’m not sorry for it. While I’m not sure enough of the issues have been resolved, they are very clear on where I stand and while I will be willing to compromise in some ways, a lot of it will be my/our way because this is our child and we will raise him how we see fit. So they can work with us or not see us often.
- I got a job. Not just any job but my dream job of working in a library. Other than some office politics which I naively was NOT expecting, it has gone well so far. I’ve even been given permission to do a small project (my own idea) that will help put more of our collection under our patrons’ noses.
- We took the scary step of putting our son in a start-up school with hopes of him getting a better education. Only time will tell but we feel fairly confident of this decision compared with what is available in the district.
- I stepped out of my comfort zone and tried to join a large spiritual organization in order to get some education that I’m missing. It did not turn out as I expected or even hoped but I think I got out of it what I needed.
- I took another step outside my comfort zone and started writing for a Pagan magazines blogsphere. For others this may not be a big deal, but it is a huge step for me. While I am one of many and not even paid for it, I’m putting myself out there for possible ridicule…
- Physically I’ve had a lot of changes. I was the heaviest I’ve ever been this year (not including the time I was pregnant…mostly ’cause I didn’t pay attention to my weight then) and I’ve managed to loose 15 pounds of that. I haven’t had a period since July so I’ve had to deal with all the changes that menopause brings to my life at the age of 42. I don’t feel old enough to be a “crone” and I still have a lot of mothering to do but I’m trying to embrace this part of my life as much as I can. I have to take cohosh twice a day to control my hot flashes though it seems to help with my insomnia too. I have itchy girl parts and for the first time in my life natural lubrication has failed me. I haven’t found any upsides to this other than the lack of periods, but I’m trying to find something.
- Financially, things haven’t been this scary for a long time. Emptied our savings. I think we even dipped into the college fund. The tough times may not be over yet, but we are still keeping our head above water. We may pay off my student loan this year and our mortgage is getting close to being paid off too. I got a job at just the right time to help keep food on the table while Hubby’s wages have paid the bills. Our pantry is getting close to bare and our freezer isn’t as full as I would like but I’m glad we had them to rely upon, many haven’t. I felt a combination of guilt and glee with every gift I bought this year. That is a feeling I haven’t missed. Should have made more of the gifts, but I had no ideas and not enough time. I suspect that many are tired of the homemade gifts any way.
So what would I like to see for 2014:
- clearing more of our debt away and saving for that rainy day and college
- getting to take more trips to places we haven’t been
- finding and becoming true, life-long friends
- reestablishing a daily devotional that is true to me and my path
- discovering my path; strengthening my relationship with my deities
- becoming more comfortable with my body and the changes made upon it; eating healthy and loosing weight and find enjoyment in the process
- getting more writing done
- finding better ways and more patience in raising my son to be the best he can be…knowing when to bend and when to be rigid…yelling less, hugging more…remembering how to play…remembering he is a child and should not be expected to act like an adult
- continuing to find strength within my relationship with my husband as we work together to keep it strong
- finish remodeling projects around the house
- make significant headway, if not finish, my son’s birth chart
- rediscovering how to manage my time well so that the must dos and the need to dos balance each other out (I have a mental image of myself as an octopus and each tentacle is some facet of who I am…I must learn to make the tentacles work together to accomplish everything that I want and need to do)
- not feel guilty when I play instead of doing the “shoulds”
- finding the joy in the every day
There you have it…my mental meanders on 2013 and my hopes for 2014. May the year to come be financially stable and filled with lots of joy and laughter.