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A mother’s fear

August 21, 2013

Tonight I am filled with a mother’s fear.  So please ignore this as it is just my mental ramblings set down so that I can hopefully sleep.

Tomorrow my son starts first grade in a new-to-our-county learning center of an established charter school.   He is nervous which is to be expected.  It is a new place with new expectations.  Old friends will be there and hopefully new ones too.  My fear is a mother’s fear, a parent’s fear.  It is a fear that despite all the research I’ve done that I’ve (OK we) made a bad choice.  I’m a child of the public school system, as is my husband.  We’ve both gone to college.  We make our way in the world without leaning on our parents or our government.  So is this the right choice for him? Is this charter school (Ok learning center, branch of the charter school) the way to go? My logic minds says yes.  The opportunities for individual instruction alone should be worth it.  The older children will be learning cursive, which I think is something children still ought to learn.  They have the pledge of allegiance on the wall which was never even mentioned in kindergarten.  He’s a bright child, an outgoing child.  I didn’t learn to dread school until 4th grade when I suddenly wasn’t good enough for my peers.  It’s such a small school.  I think there is the crux of the matter.  I think they will do fine teaching him but will he get the emotional support of peers there?  That isn’t something I can control no matter where he goes.  I think I’d be feeling this way no matter where he goes…but in an established school, it bothered me less for some reason.  Maybe more kids, more opportunities for friends?  Here at least,  he has less chance of being bullied or having his stuff stolen.  If things do not go well, we can always move him back.  I want it to go well.  I want to protect him too from the heartache that peers can cause and that a mother can not truly sooth no matter how hard she tries.  I want his school years to be filled with joy and laughter and not the heartache of feeling less, of feeling not good enough that still chases me to this day.  I want better for my son.  Is this school the answer?  I do not know.  I hope so.  I hope it is small enough to support him emotionally but big enough to allow him to grow, to be confident, to be…more.  I just don’t know.  So I worry.  I fret.  I do it all in silence as I do not want to make him more nervous and I do not want to be laughed at or patted on the head or told to chill out.  So I write and I cry silent tears, full of a mother’s fear, full of a mother’s love.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. Medwolf permalink
    August 24, 2013 6:22 AM

    And that, my love, is why you are and will always be a great mother. He makes friends wherever he goes, and he knows exactly where to go when something isn’t right.

    Like

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