Laziness, Fear and Zeusday

I came to a realization recently.  I haven’t been as steady with my daily devotions as I would like.  Part of it is laziness, I realize that.  It has been a crazy month  and part of me wants to sit down, read (as in enmesh myself in another world so thoroughly that I forget about this one) and do absolutely nothing else.  Part of me thinks that is absolutely silly.  There is plenty that needs to be done.  My son is on break so he needs to be watched/entertained too.  Also I’m behind on the DP.  But there seems to be another component to things too.

Generally I have not missed more than a day but it is starting to take more and more effort to get up the urge to do it.  I asked myself why.  Why do you not want to do the daily devotional?  You always feel good afterwards.  So why?  Why not work on the DP?  (Yeah, I talk to myself…)  I got a wave of fear.  Fear?  Why fear?  I fear being rejected.  It seems so much of my life has revolved around being rejected for being too smart, too tall, wrong clothes, wrong car, etc.  I have an extreme fear of the Kindreds rejecting me.  While Earthkin may very well reject me since humans, in general, have not been too kind to our mutual home, there is no reason that I am aware of for my ancestors or the gods to reject me.  The longer the time between devotionals the harder it is to do them.  After reading another blog, fear eaters would be an excellent reason why I’ve been having so many problems of late.  The more you fear, the more they eat, the more they make you fear.  So right now I feel like I’m wading through molasses.  Trying to do anything spiritual is a big energy drain but more than ever I realize how important it is.

Did my daily devotional today and included Zeus specifically since it is Zeusday.   Did a meditation too.  Was not able to hold on to much of the meditation to write about it other than one phrase and feeling “Quiet down and [it will come/something will happen/etc].”  Umm yeah.  My mind is like a jack rabbit on Jolt.  Constantly hopping from one thing to another.  I haven’t a single clue how to do that.  The harder I try that more spastic it gets.

Omens for Zeusday:

1. Me – Wheel of Fortune/Rebalance:  in a state of flux
2. theme for the week – 4 of Pentacles/gift:  move from internal to external; less thought, more do
3. Challenges – 3 of Pentacles/teamwork:  marshal internal energies together to work on what needs to be done
4. Best Response – 5 of Wands/Struggle:  slog through it, no matter how slow the going
5. Keep in Mind – High Priestess/intution:  pay attention to your “gut”
6. Final Thought –  Justice/Karma:  be just and fair
7. Do this – King of Swords/Focus:  focus on reality, do not be complacent; where is your head?

Q = 35 = 8 = Strength:  rely on inner strength

Sounds like encouragement to buckle down and push through this.