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Celebrating Diasia

March 15, 2012

Diasia is a festival to honor Zeus Melikhios.  There are many different ways to enterprete this festival: asking  fertility of the soil, gentle weather, purification, etc.  Today, for me, it is about clearing away the old to make way for the new.  This is an extremely personal post, feel free to skip it.

Where do I start?  This morning I did a tarot reading asking Zeus, since it is his festival and his weekday, how I should celebrate it.

Now maybe I should prefence this with I’ve been trying to build a closer relationship with my guides and in the process I’ve been working through a book (Spirited by Rebecca Rosen).  One of the things she has you do is address your root issue.  Mine is low self-esteem due to rejection issues.  (It is hard to believe in your experiences/intuition if you don’t believe in yourself…)For me this started out in 4th grade when my best friends moved away and my classmates rejected me, made fun of me, my clothes, my intelligence etc.  As any child would, I took this to mean that I wasn’t good enough, that something was wrong with me.  Never mind that my logical adult mind can see that this was more about their fears worries and eventually sense of power than actually me.  This treatment went on my entire public school life.  Never had a lot of friends, always the brunt of jokes, rejected, not invited to parties, rarely had dates to dances, etc.

When I was a child, my father was a rough, brusque, workaholic perfectionist.  He was the epitome of the Head of the Household, whose word is the ultimate authority.  He didn’t receive a lot of loving care as a child and so did not know how to give it.  He never gave atta-boys, was always critical, pushing one to do better, be better.  He was impatient and short tempered. Hugs were rare and “I love you” was never said by him or very very rarely at any rate (the only time I remember was on my wedding day).  He easier to deal with now that I’m older but that may be because I’m not under is thumb though I’m sure he has grown some too.  Yet, I am like my father in many more ways that I like to acknowledge.

A combination of these two experiences has colored ever facet of my life.  I have a very low self-esteem.  I don’t consider myself good enough wife, mother, friend or anything else for that matter.  I have an expensive degree that never got me a job.  I don’t see my clothes are ever quite right, my crafts ever good enough, my hair and make-up…forget it.  Physically I’m a bit of a mess including wacky hormones. I tend to take any rejection/criticism, or even a lack of interest, extremely personally whether it is warranted or not.  The ending of my quad (a relationship that I thought I would have forever) sent me on a downward spiral that I’m still trying to climb out of today.

So any way, I’m trying to dig out the root problem, face, figure out its gifts (however meager), let it go and move on.  I’ve been resistant to the recent chapter’s set of activities.  Partially I don’t want to relive those experiences, partially because I can not imagine anything that has benefited from it….which leads me pack to the tarot reading I did today.

using Alchemical Tarot Renewed

Theme:  9 of Vessels – direct quote:  “take all your emotions & memories and let by-gones be by-gones.  Be on your way.  The emotions & memories associated with the past are your foundation and can be built upon but not changed.  Don’t try to change the past, but look to the future.”  After reading this I had a sudden visualisation where I wrote down all the events of my root cause, shredded it and then burned  it.  Followed by a cup of jasmine tea…

How/Do:  5 of Staffs – be creative, burn

Don’t Do:  Queen of Vessels – don’t ponder mysteries/unknown or offer gifts

So then I wanted to know more about the How/Do card:  Queen of Staffs – a choice between old/new, Tower – strike of inspiration, King of Staffs – inner strength

[le sigh] so this was to be about me and me dealing with that which I don’t want to do by making the choice to follow my inspiration because I can do this whether I want to or not.  So I did.  Do I feel better?  Mostly I feel sad and weepy.  I can only hope by facing my  past, acknowledging it and the  physical actions of letting it go will help move forward and grow.

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