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discombobulated

September 1, 2011

So Hubby and boy-child have left for 5 days of dove hunting.  I’m by myself with no need-to-dos, have-to-dos, or should-dos.  I don’t need to rush through this project or that project.  I can just sit and be.  So why do I feel so frazzled?  My son and my husband form such a large part of my life that I suddenly feel like I’m at loose ends.  I’m almost lost and feel ridiculous for feeling this way.  To be able to sit down with no expectations or limits feels most strange.

I know I needed this, very badly.  But right now I’m hating it and wishing for a little boy hug and kiss or my hubby’s voice in ear with his warmth at my back.  When they were leaving I was almost tempted to say “no wait, let me go with you” or “please don’t leave me”.  That proves how discombobulated I am.  I have plans that I have been looking forward to…hot springs, yard sale hopping, salsa dancing, socializing…but right now there is that fear, unreasonable or not, that I’m never going to see them again or that something drastic is going to change for the worse…but if I’m with them everything would be just fine.  See how out of sorts I am?  I suddenly understand the card I drew last night before bed.

(Pic from Taroteca.multiply.com) I am that turtle, that wants to ease into the water but afraid to take those last difficult steps.  If I would only dive in, the water would sooth me and support me.  Good thing I’m going to the hot springs tonight, eh?

I’m just surprised at how out of sorts I am despite looking forward to this time for weeks now…

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