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Twilight makes my heart hurt

April 24, 2011

And no, not for the typical rants that one hears about these books/movies.  Leave aside the sparkling vampires, the werewolves, the teenage angst and the extremely poor choices in actors.  This story is a story I feel in my heart.

Ever meet someone who you were instantly attracted to?  Someone who felt the same way about you?  Then to find that they met your every need?  They were your perfect match.  Yet this is the real world.  In the real world there is always a problem and not one that can always be overcome.  In the story, it is that Edward is a vampire.  In real life, it is that we were both married and married to people that we were/are still in love with.  Polyamory can be a wonderful thing.  The highs are higher than monogamy but also the lows are lower.  If the love is not equally felt all around, problems arise.  Jealousy in those that are not confident enough in their self-worth.

The first two Twilight books almost feel like an exaggeration of what I went through.  The mating dance.  The coming together.  The problems overcome.  But I am stuck in the second book.  I feel like Bella trying to cope, trying to adapt to a life without Edward.  The first couple of years were a lot of crying.  Then I started finding ways to cope.  Some work well, others not so well.  There is still a lot of pain in my heart.  Poorly healed scars. Watching or reading this story always makes the wound bleed afresh.  It brings back so many memories. I hate to watch or read these.  Yet I can’t look away.  She got her happy ending.  I can’t help but wonder and hope that maybe I will eventually get mine.  But unlike Bella, I’ve been doing this for almost five years.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. April 25, 2011 12:21 AM

    Hugs hun, I am so sorry that this is still so raw for you

    Like

    • April 25, 2011 7:16 AM

      Thanks, me too. I have an internal conflict over this. Part of me thinks I’m stupid and need to get over it. Other part still holds out hope against all odds. Didn’t know I had an optimist hiding within…

      Like

  2. May 4, 2011 2:36 PM

    I’m going through one of those lows at the moment myself. It is so true that the highs are higher and the lows lower. The rewards are often multiplied in a poly relationship. Sadly the losses are always multiplied.

    Like

    • May 4, 2011 2:41 PM

      Hugs. The lows really hurt and since this isn’t something society appreciates, it is hard to find support or an outlet. Hope everything works out for you.

      Like

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