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May 3, 2010

Something that I’ve always known, in the back of my mind, but never had to put into words.  I am NOT a leader.  At best I am a good executive assistant.  Point me in a direction and I’ll run with it then return to you with the results.  I am NOT charasmatic and hence cannot LEAD a group of people.  I am stubborn and willful, creative and curious and I can be authoritative and snarky but I do NOT know how to lead. I am happiest managing details not looking at the overall picture.  When I try to do it all, I start dropping balls that I need to be juggling whether in my personal life or in managing a group.

NA is going to fail and big time if we do not find someone to step up and lead.  Sannion, whether he wants to admit it or not, was a leader.  While he may have disliked the role, he did it well.  Sannion’s time has past.  I can’t (and do not want to) fill those shoes.  Someone is going to have to step up and take this on or NA will fold like so many other groups have done over the years.  I wish I could fill this role but it is not in my talent set and I’m just stressing myself out by trying to figure out ways to do so.  It limits my creativity and makes me easy to upset.

My path also seems to be leading me away from this specialization.  The Hellenic path is a niche but I feel like I’m outgrowing that niche.  It is part of my path but not all of it. The Goddess that has come into my path is a conglomeration of many deities and yet different too.  The closest she compares to is Hekate of old, Pre-Hellenic.  Yet I feel like I’m not supposed to be looking backwards to the past but forwards.   I feel like I’m being pushed to broaden my outlook, to not worry so much about how “they” did things but more about how I’m doing things.  I am a modern American woman, living in a different culture, environment and time than the ancients.  All I can do is take suggestions from them but ultimately I need to do it my way.  I need to find local like minds to help inspire my path because online groups tend to encourage me to stay in my head rather than physically do things.  I need to be able to show my son spiritual actions not just talk about them.  Talking is easier and certainly less embarrassing than physically doing something.  I need to find actions and methods that work and are comforting but not necessarily comfortable.  I’ve become too comfortable and when one becomes too comfortable, you stop growing.

I don’t know where I’m going but I know I need to stop walking in place.  Yet I still don’t know where to go from here.  I’d like to say “FORWARD MARCH” but I’m not even sure which direction that is …

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